Random Thoughts

Biyernes, Setyembre 23, 2011

In Love vs. Broken Hearted

I was humming songs, having sleepless nights with a smile on my face, I can’t eat, I can’t function well for I am reminded of his wonderful ways. I can’t do anything without a smile on my face. I stare into nothingness with a silly grin for he’s on my mind. I stopped watching movies, for nothing seems more interesting anymore than the one who painted the smile on my face. I started listening to mushy music. I became excited for the future, I was hopeful and joyful and everything is moving in perfect grace. Everything I see is beautiful. Everything I hear is a sweet melody. My heart was leaping and I feel rather so alive. :D I laughed harder. I loved so much more. And I lived a happier life. And he was all I know.

I’m still sleepless, I still can’t eat, I still can’t function well but the only difference is that tears are in my eyes, my heart is broken and my mind is filled with just memories of a once happy life.

Still sleepless, only instead of smile, my tears can’t seem to stop pouring. I can’t eat for I can’t stop wondering what went wrong. And the memories just came crashing in every time that would make me stare into nothingness with so many questions in my head. I stopped watching movies, coz they all have happy endings and right now I don’t. My music is back to sad songs and the world seems so lonely and gray. And I still have hope, and I am not afraid of the future yet but I kept looking back, but I’ve never been more lonesome than what I am now. I hear screaming pain, my heart is breaking every single time and I feel like dying now that he’s gone. But up to know, I am still living in his memories. Up to know, he’s all I know.
*And my worst fear is… I think in my battle between being IN LOVE and being BROKEN HEARTED… is that the second one will win again*

I’m drowning in all these words and feelings I want to say to you and feel for you. Swimming in all the memories we had. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to talk to you every day? When you’re the only person I want to tell everything to… The only one I want to share my every little thing to.
How do you do it? How can you just stop talking and stop caring just like that? How can you easily forget? How do you move on so fast?
(Apparently you’re very good at it… Coz you never said anything, not one word to me. You never reached out nor check if I was doing fine…) *sighs*
You mean so much to me, that’s why I always try to understand why you just left without a word and decided you’re better off without me. I love you so much; my heart trusts your every decision. But I can’t stop my mind from asking…
     Do I mean that little to you? Didn't you love me too?

A journey to a new start

Heartaches… horrifying than a nightmare, more painful than a stab on your back, deadly like man with a license to kill… We feel as if we die with every passing minute that goes by without the LOVE that used to fill our days, our months, our lives…. A person you love like life that suddenly went away… or someone you lost, taken away by destiny… And it really doesn’t matter how that person disappeared. The only thing you know is the pain you feel in your heart… in your mind… the ache you feel all over your body. And that pain, that’s unbearable the day he left, will be more agonizing than you could ever imagine with each second without him. And so you die… over and over again.

But it’s ok… all that matters is that you try to Live, with each second that you feel like dying… you hold on to Life and to Love, believing that all good things are yet to come, that even if your body is too weak to move or you’re too scared to live again, to hope again or your mind and heart are too bruised and shattered to feel… you hold on—to life and love…
And the best feeling behind it all, after lying on the downs, after feeling all those hurtful things, after being unbelievably miserable on your own… the best thing is when you finally learn to stand again… your first glance on the path to a new life… a new love…  Knowing you’ve endured all those things that are too dreadful to even bear…and that will make you much stronger…
Nothing… nothing is more satisfying than to live again… more rejuvenating than rising after your long sorrowful fall, and you feel your heart suddenly beating again as you welcome a new start… with a new life and a new love.

Letting Go. . .

I’m tired. Of waiting and feeling as if the world is about to end as I sit here and watch you find somebody new.     I can’t pretend that I will be ok when you finally found someone else, I won’t. I will ache all over. You’ll kill me again when you finally learn to move on, it will be the end of our world when you find someone new.     I said I love you. I said I am going to wait and maybe I will, maybe deep within my heart I still have that inch of hope that you and I are meant to be, despite the fact that you’re not who you were to me anymore. And I think that is the reason why I am letting you go. Again, not because I stopped loving you but cause you did, you stopped loving me. And though I am not giving up on us even though in the first test of faith you failed me. I love you much more than you’ll know, much more than any of us could understand. So I will try to understand all your weird and mean behavior lately. I love you, along with all your flaws and shortcomings. I just love you. And I don’t even know why anymore.But I am going to try damn hard to let go of my love for you for its making me crazy, it’s draining all the happiness in me, it’s killing the joyful and positive girl that I was before you left me and all that’s left was this broken hearted girl, with shattered dreams and hopeless love. You are my everything, my life and my love. That is why I have to let g o and love you less and maybe someday to not love you anymore, so I can call my life my own again, so I can make my heart beat for me, not for you. So I can dream of better things for me and for my loved ones not just so I could be where you are. I have to leave you and all my love for you and be happy with just myself. I can’t depend on you. You’re too weak to depend on.     I am stronger now. I know my worth, my dear. And though I am willing to let go of that, of myself and of everything that I have for your love, for our life together, if you’re only strong enough, if you’re only brave to stand for us too. But you’re not. You don't care about anyone else but yourself. I’ll be here. But maybe just as a friend. Just show me you love me and you’ll have all of me in return.                          

Huwebes, Setyembre 22, 2011

j u s t . r a n d o m . t h o u g h t s .

"This is for every time you built me up just to make me cry. This is for all those things you said that turned out to be a lie. This is for every day I spent alone and I couldn’t get out of bed. This is for every night I couldn’t sleep because you were in my head. This is for every promise you made and then later on you broke. This is for all the lies behind every word you spoke. This is for every time you brought me down and made me feel like dirt. This is for the way I feel every time I see you with her. This is for all this time I kept my stupid dream. This is for all the signs I knew I should have seen. This is for missing you every time I’m having fun. This is for loving you, despite everything you’ve done."

"I've been here all along just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you've been waiting too, and you haven't and maybe you never will or maybe you're afraid to. But it all hurts the same, and in the end, I'm the one that's left broken and when I lay down to sleep, I'm still the one crying, so screw the bad timing. I've loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will."

"I'm not even upset, hurt, or angry anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tired of putting in more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of believing all your lies. I'm tired of proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again."

"I am so ready to let go, just move on, and be happy. But there is always this little shred of... well maybe he'll want me tomorrow. You know?"

"She kept saying she'd move on, but she knew in her heart she would never forget him. He was cemented to her heart. No matter how near or how far apart they were. She was in it forever, even if he could never be hers again. She was still so desperately in love with him, stuck to him like glue."

"You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. It’s like when you’re little and you touch the stove and get burned, because you didn’t really know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning."

"I felt something catch in my throat, a sudden surge of sadness that caught me unaware. It almost managed to take my breath away. That was the thing; you never get used to it. You never get used to the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think It's okay, and you think you've accepted it, someone points it out to you, and it hits you all over again, and it's just as shocking as the first time."

"My four walls came down that day. It was a horrible awakening. I learned the meaning of the word hate. I understood what it is like to lose the only thing that ever mattered to me. Simply because I didn’t mattered to him much at all."

"We all have that boy. That boy who you're completely over, but you still think about before you sleep. That boy who you avoid talking to, but still wish he would text you just once. That boy who you have to make yourself not think about, but always wonder if he is thinking about you."

"It’s not the broken heart that keeps you going back. Oh no, It’s the days that have gone by and you just want him by your side. It’s how when something funny happens, you want to tell him, just to see his smile one last time. But he's not there and you can't change that. No matter how many tears you seem to cry, no matter how hard you try, he's not coming back. So it’s time to grab that suitcase and leave. Just to get out of this place and out of this town. Because if he's not coming; then you're not staying here. Not even if it means breaking something new; because even though it’s not everything, it’s still something bigger than you're used to. But it’s not your fault. It’s his. He left, he said goodbye. You can show him the truth and show him where to stick it. Because even though it doesn't seem like it, this made you stronger, this made you be more of yourself. and nothing can replace that."

"It sucks when you miss that person so much that you look through old photos, old text messages, and even old statuses. And it brings a smile to your face, but then the hurt comes back and you know you shouldn’t be looking back, but you can’t help it because they really meant something to you and you thought it would have lasted. But it didn't."

"I tried so hard to dig myself out but I was in too big of a hole to escape. The funny thing is, it's like you always kind of know that you're getting yourself into something that will end badly. There's always this instinctive gut-feeling telling you to stop now, save yourself before you fall too far in to make it out alive. But you never listen. We never listen. We're too content with the way things are going, convinced that everything is finally turning out right and happily ever after is just around the corner. But it's not. It's that belief; that's how we get stuck, broken, alone."

"She knew she had to be cautious, when speaking to him again, for she had her heart on the line. And with simply one wrong move, she could surely find herself falling for that boy all over again."

"At first you think it’s great you’re talking to him again, but then you start talking about things that happened before, bringing back old memories, and then you realize how much you really miss him and you get to thinking you really want him back, but you remember he doesn’t need you like you need him, and it hurts."

"I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. When you’re hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just.. You just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear. I need more of those moments.."

Miyerkules, Setyembre 21, 2011


I am a fan of different things, and rap is not one of them not until my friend and I were sort of bonding when he introduced me to Flip Top. The First Filipino Rap Battle League.

Well I got curious and checked it out. I got hooked watching episodes on YouTube and it came to the point that I was really checking for new ones and stuffs regarding this flip top thing.

I’m not into rap or something but what made me hooked into it is that I really love the way these rappers insult each other. Some of them are really funny they make fun of their ka- rap battle.

I find it very entertaining. I think this is the most difficult type of poetry. Only a handful of people can do this, it takes years of practice to be able to associate rhyming words and ideas, not to mention those obnoxious and mean insults that you have to put in the mix plus effective and fluid Ad Libbing to make it look like you *prepared* those lines.. kinda similar to what blues and jazz musicians do onstage, but more difficult.

I'd really like to attend one of these tournaments in person. I'd like to observe how these cool people weave words rapidly. I had fun listening and watching, it’s really entertaining!

One of my favorite rappers has got to be Dello! He's my idol already! The master of reverse and doesn't need to rehearse. Dello is the best among them and he’s different from the other rappers who joined fliptop because he shows respect to his opponent and shows different style in the battle and that makes him unique. He is one of the talented artists in a cool Filipino band SkwaterhuaZ

Here are some of my favorite battles:

Dello vs Target

Dello vs Batas

Dello vs Kial

Dello vs Zaito

Huwebes, Setyembre 15, 2011

Silent Torment

Although we’re still friends and you’re the person I miss the most, there are some things I need to get off my mind. I am still so hurt by everything that happened between us. I loved you with all of my heart and I would have done anything in the world for you, if you would have just let me in a little bit. I can't really say that I didn't know any better, because I did. My friends keep telling me that you’re no good for me but they don't know that I'd leave you if I could. 

I fell completely head over heels in love with you. Then you left me time and time again for no reason. It’s like tugging along a string that I'm suppose to catch but just as I catch it and think I'm home you tug it back

I keep asking why you keep on coming back.
Is it because you don’t want to be alone and so while waiting for the next girl to come around you’re killing time being with me? Is it because I’m your security blanket or a backup plan, and you like the attention I keep giving you? Is it because you want a soft place to land, and you get it every time without fail?

Why do I keep on letting you come back? Why I keep enabling you to keep treating me this way? And to constantly keep putting me through this?

It’s a shame that you don't care enough to even give me half the love I give to you. I feel so stupid and foolish for Loving you all this way.Every night I hear myself asking´ Why can´t this feeling just fade away?

No matter how many tears I've cried, you’re still not there. No matter how sweet my smile was, you still didn't care. No matter how much affection I show, I’m still at the dark. No matter how much I love you, you still broke my heart.